Major Project - Script Draft 7

Condemned Script Draft 7

The seventh draft follows up to the final draft of the previous unit and will act as a starting point in my assessment of the Major Project unit. This draft will also act a template for the eighth draft, the final draft before shoot week. As mentioned in a post from the last unit, changes will be kept fairly minimal, I had planned on making the major changes (if necessary) after our production meeting involving our actors in the final draft. This way the cast and crew will be fully aware of what big changes will be made.

The first of these changes was a small detail in scene 5 where I have decided to have David's character sat down and Nick's character standing over him. This decision made sense as I wanted to convey a power struggle between the two characters which would be difficult to do if both characters were standing as Basil (playing David) is taller than Anthony (Nick). To keep the power on Nicks side, I removed the detail about him pulling a chair into the space to sit and decided to keep him standing. The wording was also changed in areas to keep the script tight and easy to follow.

Only a couple of small changes were made to scene 6; minimal pay was changed to minimal wage and don't let me down was changed to don't be fucking late. The changing of words in the latter of the two changes was to further enable Nicks character. It makes more sense to curse at David as opposed to keeping his calm with everything. I wanted to convey the sense that Nick doesn't really like David and that David cannot trust Nick.

The next change comes in scene 8, another small change. sink and boiler was changed to hot water. A more vague description made more sense to both Nick and Stephens characters.

Scene 10 saw a handful of changes. "Boiler needs replacing" felt far too formal for Nicks character. I instead opted to change this to "Boiler's fucked". Nick would be far more blunt about the situation and would much rather David figure the issue out himself rather than informing him of the situation. The wording was changed in Stephens line to maintain a better tempo in the film and Nicks line about the tea see's him dismiss David's cup as opposed to asking him. These changes also affected other areas of the scene which required some shuffling about. For instance David now asks for tea AFTER Nick leaves the room.

A layout change was made to scene 13 with little change to the dialogue itself. Just makes for a better read and again, adds tempo to the story.

The scene in the park (14) saw a couple of changes to the dialogue but the scene itself remains the same. David instead asks when Stephen was diagnosed as opposed to "How long you had it?" The question makes more sense as Stephen can't possibly know when he actually got cancer, only when he was diagnosed. The wording in Stephens next line also changes slightly for better pacing. 

No major changes were made to the bench scene (15) but there were some slight wording changes as it reads more naturally. The pacing is more or less the same.

The word bar was dropped from Stephens line in scene 17 about a fight that happened years ago as it reads a lot better. Only a couple of wording and spelling errors were changed from this scene.

The dialogue in scene 18 was fairly minimal anyway but there was one change that I wanted to make from this scene. In the last draft, David says his line after Nick finishes speaking on the phone. I have opted to have David say this while Nick is speaking. This is presented in two separate dialogue columns side-by-side.

Scene 21 saw a few changes in dialogue. The first of which was the wording of Davids opening line. "My boss" was changed to "Nick" being one, and the other being "Did you tell him?" This line is far more to the point than "Do you know anything about this?" which feels to formal for a confrontation. Stephens next line saw some wording changes for a better read.

The final scene, while only one change was made, it was a significant one as it decides what we will be leaving the audience with. I initially had the ending as a deja vu of the opening scene but have now changed it to leaving him lying on the bed as flashing images of the past begin to haunt him. The ending was easily the most difficult to land and has seen a couple of changes since my first few drafts.