Condemned Script Draft 6
The sixth draft of the script will also act as my final draft of the pre-production unit and any changes made from this point onwards will not contribute to my final pre-production grade, however may contribute to my Major Project assessment. It is also likely that any changes made from this point onwards will be kept to an absolute minimal to avoid confusing any other parties such as the director, cinematographer or of course the actors, who will have all revised from the script.
Like with before, no changes were necessary for the opening three scenes, I had got these right by the fourth draft. To summarise, David is waiting outside the prison gates for a taxi which takes him to his new accommodation. Having looked around the place, David decides to go for a walk in the high street where he sees just how busy it has become.
After leaving the high street, David begins his walk home via an alternative route in order to keep his journey going. No major changes are made to this scene except for the ad notice which now reads "HELP WANTED - Plumbers mate needed - apply within" The sign is also on a street post as opposed to the house window due to the locations restrictions. No changes have been made to the interview scene at any point. To summarise, David lands himself in an interview with a stern, blunt boss named Nick. He arrives ill-prepared, no CV and very nervous. However his knowledge on plumbing and his negotiation skills land him with the job.
This all takes us to scene 7. Again, no changes here except we now fade from scene 7 into scene 8, indicating that time has passed. No other changes are made to scenes 8 or 9. To summarise, David arrives home in full plumbers uniform, exhausted after a long days work. The only changes made to scene 10 are the references to the boiler and the sink, everything else remains the same. Nick and David arrive to repair the boiler and sink and Stephen, the resident of the house recognises David, revealing that they once knew each other.
The whole idea for scene 11 is exactly the same with grammatical errors corrected. I have also removed all dialogue from scene 12 which is now entirely visual. I have gone through with the idea that Stephen refers back to a character we never actually get to meet, Marvin. This is somebody that both David and Stephen knew in the past life. Based on Stephen's description, Marvin was a bit of a hardass just like Nick is. When David asks how "old Marv" is, Stephen reveals something else about his own character when he bluntly states "he's dead", indicating Stephens cold personality.
Nothing about the scenes in the park have changed at all, this was something I got right in the fifth draft. To summarise, Nick and Stephen meet up and go for a walk in the park to get to know each other further and get out and about. One key moment in this scene is where David asks Stephen about his lung cancer, an honest question. Stephen answers the question exactly as you would expect, by stating how long he was given to live and when he was told. What's really unexpected is how Stephen follows this up. He asks David why he killed his wife. This is the first mention in the script about Davids sentence and is a fantastic way of revealing Davids dark past.
Scene 17 is where the next notable change takes place as I add more context about Susan, Davids wife. In previous drafts I had not given Susan a name, she was simply referred to as 'Davids wife'. She now has more purpose to the story, even if all we see of her is in a photograph held up by David. The scene also hints at potential conflict between either Stephen and David or Stephen and Susan. At this point it is not certain however all is revealed at the end.
Despite the suggestion that I should change Nicks phone call dialogue to something more simple, I decided to keep the line as it is. Looking back at the audition tapes, I felt that the line works really well in context with the story and by changing it, I would risk losing that initial punch.
Not much about the confrontation scene between David and Stephen has changed, however I did cut back on the dialogue where Stephen reveals to David what happened all those years ago to something more simple but also something more direct. Stephen then reiterates what he had in one simple line to really hit the point home to David, "I was sleeping with your wife".
As mentioned in the fifth draft feedback, the ending needed something a little more memorable, like a bookend image. I decided to go through with my idea of ending up where we more or less started, in Davids room. The actions David takes are eerily reminiscent of scene 2, indicating that he is looking for a fresh start in life.
