Pre-Production - Script Draft 2 & Feedback

Condemned Second Draft

Content and Changes

The opening to the story is more or less the same, David starts out standing in front of the prison gate, except this time we establish that he is of a Christian faith and he is now waiting for a taxi. This then takes him straight to his house, skipping the whole scene of him walking around the local area. He again takes a look through his documents and begins to call the Jobcentre, explaining that he has a meeting set up to discuss job opportunities.

In the next scene, David is at the Jobcentre talking about the job opportunities on hand. After making a call to Nick, his soon-to-be boss, he lands himself a temporary work placement as a plumber. Both Nick and David arrive at a job where they meet Stephen, an elderly man about the same age as David. It is soon established that both David and Stephen knew each other already when Stephen recognises David. The pair begin to catch up with Nick third-wheeling the conversation. Stephen reveals to both Nick and the audience that David had killed his wife and burnt the house down.

After some time, David decides to meet Stephen again, this time to catch up properly. Stephen becomes quite blunt with David but concedes to Davids demands and the pair take a walk in the park.

When David arrives back home, he begins to question Stephens actions and the knowledge that he had about the murder. He comes to the conclusion that perhaps it was Stephen that killed his wife and that David had been innocent all this time. A bible passage reminds David that forgiveness is the only path to eternal glory. With this message in mind, David returns to Stephen's house to forgive Stephen of his crime.

Like with the last draft, David enters the house to find Stephen on his death bed. Unlike the last draft however, David phones for a doctor. Having done this, David reveals that he knows what Stephen did. Here is where the biggest change lies. Instead of twisting the plot to reveal that Stephen was in fact the killer this whole time, it is instead revealed that David did in fact kill his wife despite not having any recollection of it. Stephen also reminds him of why David killed his wife. His wife had been cheating on him with Stephen. Upon being reminded of this fact, David strangles Stephen, eventually killing him.

One other major change to story is that I have replaced Davids daughter, Nicola, with another character (as mentioned above), Nick. The daughter just didn't work for the story. This was a decision I decided to act upon myself when writing the second draft.

Feedback

Generally, Simon was happy with the change in direction that I have taken with the script, I have shown a greater understanding of the differences between a story and a plot, with an interesting story about guilt and remorse beginning to reveal itself more in this draft.

There were still some revealing misunderstandings about script writing in my draft, however. I seem to be writing every single line of action in my script. This isn't necessary and was something brought up in my last feedback session.

One thing that needed significant changes (or perhaps removing all together) was the whole Jobcentre segment. The phone call was not necessary and there were some questions raised about the legitimacy of the way in which David receives his job offer, it's unrealistic. Reevaluating the whole scene, I could probably cut it all out and find a different means for which David finds his first job. With this in mind, Scene 5 could also be cut entirely.

It is also assumed that David meets Stephen on his very first job. While it is possible, the chances are incredibly slim and fairly unrealistic. The scene is also very forced, the conversation between the three characters does not seem realistic at all.

Smaller changes that needed to be made included:

• Removing David's last line about not being sure about committing the murder in scene 14
• David should not be talking out loud to himself in scene 17, nobody does this, it's not natural
• In scene 19 there is no indication of how David figures out that Stephen is the murderer
• The doctor call in scene 23 needs cutting