Pre-Production - Script Draft 4 & Feedback

Condemned Script Draft 4

Content and Changes

Very little has changed in terms of content in the opening few scenes of the script. Throughout the script I have added and/or changed the location descriptions to a more vivid description. of what the surroundings look and feel like for the character.

In the interview scene, I have made Nick even more blunt, with dialogue cut drastically and replaced with added action lines for a more visual piece. As mentioned previously, I have gone through with holding the interview at Nick's house. I have also changed the way in which the interview is conducted. David must name various tools from the tool bag. Despite getting them all right, Nick is still not convinced and resorts the idea of David repairing his sink. This idea has not changed since the last draft.

Everything leading up to and including the scene inside Stephen's house (Scene 9) has remained unchanged with the exception of the line about prison which I have removed and replaced with an action line.

Scene 11 has had a large chunk of dialogue cut as recommended in the last feedback session. I have kept a small amount in but its fairly minimal. The same has been done for scene 15. Scene 16 is a whole new scene where David and Stephen are having a drinking session together while going through old photos while they reminisce on the past. This is another suggestion that I have added to the script.

In the scene where David visits Stephen, I have cut the line where David asks what's happening. This line is irrelevant as both David and the audience can clearly see what is happening. Instead I have added more lines of action for a more visual scene. The biggest change made to the script is that I've gone through with the decision to keep Stephen alive (at least for the remainder of the scene). We are left with the assumption that David has left Stephen to die at his own accord.

Feedback

Again, Simon brought up the idea that the interview at least should be held at a plumbers yard or something. After a short discussion, it was agreed that we just needed some sort of change of location from the living room, a common theme throughout the script, and move the interview elsewhere.

Another idea was to change what it is that Nick and David are at Stephen's house to repair. The sink had been used before so a change was necessary. I also had to consider the fact that there is two people showing up to a simple job like this. One idea was to have one of them fix the sink while the other repairs a boiler. This supports the reasoning behind two men arriving at the same location for a job.

The new scene (16) was along the right sort of lines, however more can be done to better indicate just how strong their friendship once was. This can be done through the way they speak to one another, perhaps they reference another character, "hey do you remember old Mupps?".

At this point the changes are more straight forward to make with hardly any major adjustments to the script required. Other changes include:

• Cut Nicks line in scene 6 to "not bad"
• Do something more visual for scene 10, like a flashback or a memory
• Scene 12 requires more believable dialogue, too on the nose
• Davids line in scene 14 is too wordy, change to something more appropriate
• Add another scene to the end. We should finish on David