Condemned Script Draft 3
Content and Changes
The opening remains the same as the last draft, David waits outside the prison gates and gets into a taxi. Scene 2 kicks of the first of the many changes made to script as David does not make any phone call and instead inspects his new place, noticing the similarities it has to a prison cell. Instead of leaving the place for the Jobcentre, he instead decides to head to the high street to see what's around and to get some fresh air. Along the way he discovers a job opportunity as a plumber. This intrigues David as this is a trade he had learned while inside.
One noticeable change in the following scene (which itself is entirely new) is the change in Nicks character. In the second draft, Nick was a warm, friendly and very chatty person. In this draft however, he is blunt, rude and very disinterested in anything David has to say.
With a successful interview out the way, David arrives home from appears to be a hard days work. There is no indication as to how long he has been there for, for all we know this could have been his first day or his tenth. This is a good thing as it means that meeting Stephen for the first time will not appear to be some super random coincidence.
I have cut the conversation between David and Stephen in this scene and have left it at Stephen simply recognising David from the past, with David pleading Stephen not to tell Nick about prison.
David later meets Stephen and, like in the last draft, they go for a walk in the park. I have made a few changes in both the dialogue and the action so that the conversations flow a lot nicer between the two characters.
Instead of David arriving at Stephens to forgive him of his crime, David instead arrives with the intention of confronting Stephen about getting fired from his job. Stephen reveals to David that he had told Nick everything as Davids ignorance towards his own actions annoyed him greatly. Upon accusing Stephen of murdering his wife seemingly out of the blue, Stephen reveals to David what really happened, same as in the last draft. Again, David kills Stephen.
Feedback
While the script was a massive improvement on the last, there is still a lot of necessary changes needed to get the script into a proper state. It is also significantly shorter at just 12 pages. This means that additional scenes would have to be added to get it to a more appropriate length for hand in.
Removing the religious connotations was not an idea that Simon supported. This idea worked well in the last draft, I just had to be sure of it. An idea is to think about other ways of revealing Davids Christian faith. This can either be done by re-adding the bible quotations like in the last draft or by revealing his faith more visually. A tattoo perhaps. A tattoo could also reveal a lot about Davids troubled past life without him ever having to say it.
One suggestion that Simon made that I disagreed with, however, was that the notice should be placed at a plumbers business. I looked into this while writing up the draft, most plumbing businesses are in fact held at the business owners house. Only a major, more national business would have their own yard or building.
Looking into the interview, Simon was concerned about the language and the conversation between the two characters, it's not entirely believable. Nick would want somebody younger and somebody of Davids age looking for a job would surely raise more suspicion. David would have to go to extra lengths in order to persuade Nick into giving him the job. Perhaps suggesting that he works off the books.
The relationship between David and Stephens characters should also be explored in more depth. Very little is revealed about their past relationship. Simon suggested the idea that the two could have a drinking session while looking through old pictures. This gets the ball rolling.
The ending was also described as being like a "Scooby Doo" ending. Everything is revealed all at once. I should take more care in revealing each piece of information and should spread it out across the film, even if it's subtle. Also, DON'T KILL STEPHEN!!! I should instead look into a more visual ending where Stephen is kept alive.
Smaller changes included:
- I should cut the line about prison in scene 9, keep it visual
- There is no need for an exchange in scene 11, again, keep it visual
- Scenes 12 to 14 are especially important to the film, explore these scenes more
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